Second -wife/husband -or -third wife/husband -syndrome?
A well discussed subject! The reason why I chose to do an entry about this is because I am a third wife myself and i have been asked countless times about this and all that comes with it! What a tough position to be in right? But it doesn’t always have to be. But we will get to that in one second. But first, the awful experiences, and how I or the person in that situation, have responded to them.
Scenario: Being judged by the wifes/husbands before you. Who also had to deal with this?
Respond: I feel it’s so unnecessary and a waste of time! He/She has moved on and they can’t seem to deal with it. When will they ever realize when he/she is truly happy their opinion will not carry any weight at all! Ignore it and be the better person. You don’t need their judgment at all. All that matter is what your partner thinks of you not their ex.
Scenario: Also children out of previous marriages.. In my case my husband had two previous marriages and a child was bared out of each. I got pregnant as well. Love of my life. Well with YOUR joy comes their jealousy and hate as well. I got a series of texts saying: ”you will never be the mother of my child.” ”Your child will never be anything to me or my child .” And the list could go on.
Respond: I let her know that she is in fact right. That nor me or my child is anything of her. But we can’t deny the fact that my child and hers share the same father and even if we wanted to, there’s nothing to be done. And I won’t let her influence the relationship I have with her child at all. She can’t choose who she wants to be a part of her daughter’s life. Soon her daughter will be old enough to choose for herself but in the meantime. Just be yourself.
Scenario: Then there are the remarks that you stole him/her from them. Everything is YOUR fault. Their debt is YOUR fault. The child is now without a father/mother and its YOUR fault. The child has become rebellious and its YOUR fault. The child has to see a therapist and its YOUR fault.
Respond: None of this has to do with you. Their relationship did not work and he/she/they decided to end it because of obvious reasons. You were just the person he/she fell in love with after all the pain and hurt. So the simple fact that the marriage lacked love or any other thing for that matter and he/she found that with you, I call pure magic. The only Thing that’s YOUR fault is for being the bandage when he/she got hurt, the rest he/she accuses you off is a fight with her/his inner self.
Scenario: There are also some of the exes that just can’t seem to move forward or to leave the past in the past. They stalk you on whatsapp. They stalk your facebook account. It even gets so bad that they stalk everyone you might have contact with. They want to know what youre doing and why you are doing it. They tell everyone that they know their EX-partner will come back to them its just a matter of time .. Wait what???
Respond: Block him/her where ever possible. And just go about your normal life. Either they will grow up or grow tired of this, or they will still get sensation out of it who knows. But that’s just one of the cons of social media nothing is personal. We cannot keep all the monsters out. just know you did what you possibly could have done to prevent them from interfering. But we can only go as far as blocking that person or simply ignoring it.
Scenario: You also get the, I am better than you phase, why did he/she leave ME for YOU? Well if you dye your hair blue they dye theirs blue as well. If you jump into the river they will do it as well. All that they WANT TO PROVE is whatever you do they can do better!
Respond: Your spouse chose YOU. They WERE together and it just didn’t work out! Your spouse/partner chose to walk away so if the ex was so much better than you, why did your partner walk away in the first place to something even worse? Get it? None of us will make a dumb move like that ever (Not as far as I know). Why make a move that will leave us even more unhappy than before?
Scenario: My child will never call you mum or dad!
Respond: I understand fully, I wouldn’t want my child to go and call another woman mommy. BUT its not up to US. The child will decide whether she sees that person worthy to call mommy or daddy. In my case she was at her grandma’s after school and phoned me while I was at work, to ask me if it’s okay with ME, if she calls me mommy? I just said: Love, if YOU are comfortable calling me that, and if it feels right. You may. In no way was I trying to take her biological mothers place at all!! Should I have handled this situation differently?
And yes her mother did find out. She told her cousin and her cousin told her mother (the aunt) and the aunt told the mother. Long story short, she said the child double crossed her. Saddest part is she didn’t say this to just anyone she told this to her 8 yr old. Now she calls me by name because she is too afraid. Sad isn’t it ?
Moving on .
Scenario: Playing the child. Getting the child to tell your ex partner you still love them. Getting the child to make snotty remarks or to do things.
Respond: Now this should really come with a WARNING! You are a mother/father! Don’t play the child card at all. I know you are hurt inside and all, but by doing this you are hurting those children even more than you are hurting right now! Don’t make the scar even deeper than it already is!!! No child deserves this at all. Divorce is hard enough on them already.
I am not saying all second or third life partners/marriages goes through this. I am merely listing a few things I went through myself or other people that i know of. I want other people to see it for what it is and not for what they want it to be. Lot of us makes mistakes and yes marriage seems to be one of them. In the olden days people believed in marriage and it was a sin to even think about divorce. So a lot of children were raised with parents who cheated on each other because they couldn’t leave the marriage. A lot of children were raised with parents who just couldn’t live together or get along or even share a bed together. Why does a child have to go through that? What example do we set for our children? I always say two happy homes is better than one unhappy home. Believe me when I say I have never experienced a divorce in my life! As I have only have been married and still are married to one person. But I am seeing divorce from another perspective and I want to get it out of there!
DON’T see the second or more wives/husbands as the bad guys ever. They ARE NOT THE REASON WHY YOUR MARRIAGE FAILED. Not at all. They didn’t tell you to not give him affection. They didn’t tell you to tell everyone on his birthday that you had a ten year marriage out of hell. They didn’t tell you to not show him love. All those things lead to the big D word. And sometimes all those things doesn’t even occur. Don’t blame others for your unhappiness, or your happiness. The cards of life has been dealt to you and no one else, its up to you to play them. But do it wisely .The person that comes after you are just the bandage to all the hurt, maybe she is just the one who gave him all the things he actually wanted. You too will find happiness within. You too will find a bandage perfectly fit for all your hurt. You soon will find love and joy and laughter. Divorce takes time! That I do know as it took my husband over a year to get divorced. Divorce needs healing, it needs patience as well as understanding. Some divorces are even mutual agreements put into action
You don’t know what they as couple had to go through to be where they are so don’t ever judge. Me saying this to the new or ex partners. It does not matter!!
I know sometimes the new partner tries to make it difficult for the ex. I have no idea why and don’t understand it as I only wrote about my point of view and takes on this matter. But it surely is unnecessary and I do urge everyone to go on with life and be happy with YOU and what you have now, or even accomplished. Be proud of what you can do on your own. Concentrate on who you are and how far you have come. Don’t dare look back, because the past does not deserve your attention at all.
Like I said before don’t EVER use your child/ren as ammunition. You are hurt. Yes. But the children will hurt even more. And one day they might even resent you for using them as a shield. It’s selfish in all ways possible. Just be the best parent you can be and the rest will automatically fall into place. Be strong for them and for yourself. And by doing all of these things I mentioned above, will not necessarily hold their new partner/marriage/life’s back like you wanted it to. It only holds YOU back. It keeps YOU from moving forward in life and finding your chance to happiness. Happiness starts from within! It does not have to be all bad. Make the best out of a sticky situation! Learn from your mistakes. We all deserve happiness.
As for me and his children? The child from the first marriage is old enough now to take things from this life event what he learned. He has a mind of his own, will power and a need to succeed (just like his dad). We get along just fine. Then the child that’s from the second marriage. She is ten years of age now and we have a rather different relationship. We see more of each other etc. We understand each other. Now, here’s a thing I usually say: We will never have a mother-daughter relationship like the one I have with my own daughter, BUT we have a different kind. An unexplainable kind. There’s love, affection and care mixed all together. It will never me my own child and we will never have that relationship. But the relationship we do have is special.
I have truly learned a lot from my husband. He has been divorced 2 times. A lot of people will see that as a bad thing. I see it as courage. He was brave enough to leave a situation he didn’t find himself happy in, he left after trying numerous times. Who of us will dare and do that for OURSELVES? Above everything else and the past, he makes me feel like I am his FIRST EVER wife. He doesn’t give me reason at all to think that he might go back to them. Or that he is not over them. Or that their attempts will get between us. No not at all. He is a very strong, confident, independent and truly happy person. He had to deal with being criticized, being pushed away by family, and even mutual friends they shared. He had to play the bad guy in the tails that’s been told to people. But beside all the bad stuff he rose to be a stronger and better person than what he was before. Even given the chance I will never erase his past.
I have to admit. I made peace with the idea that they were a part of his life story. They caused the experiences and events which was part of the molding process of the person he is today. They were a part of his PAST. They will forever be a part of his future because they share children together. But this doesn’t bother me at all because he doesn’t give me reason for it to bother me. I ONLY concentrate on OUR marriage. What I can do to make OUR marriage the best. I don’t have to worry about not making mistakes that any of his ex wives made. I make mistakes that they made as well. I make mistakes that any of us will make in marriage time after time. But HE gave ME a clean sheet to write OUR story on. There are no visible marks on that piece of paper of previous written stories. There is no shadow that I have to walk or sit in to write this story and I will forever be grateful for that. Because even though I am his THIRD wife, I am his FIRST LOVE.
Quote: I don’t think I am BETTER than OTHERS, BUT I try to be a better person TODAY, than THE PERSON I was YESTERDAY.
Thanx for reading and don’t hesitate to drop me a comment below on what you think about this subject.
Lots of love